I recently evaluated a number of Marketing Automation (MA) products including Marketo, Silverpop, Eloqua, Genius, Hubspot, Pardot, Act-On, Manticore and a couple of others. I was interested in how our current MA system compared. I did not expect to switch vendors as a result of this review. However, that is exactly what happened. Our one-week review, which included 90-120 minute live (webinar) demonstrations from each vendor revealed a significant feature and usability disparities from the vendors.

While this process was still fresh on my mind I decided to document some of my current thoughts regarding Marketing Automation. There are many degrees to which one can implement Marketing Automation, from simple batch or dynamic email drip campaigns, to lead activity and lead scoring, and much more. In this article, I’m going to provide a comprehensive list of the features we use in our Marketing Automation system. Please leave comments of additional features you use.

Talk to our CRM - The first mandatory feature of an MA system is that it writes to, and syncs with our existing CRM, in our case Salesforce.com. Some MA systems maintain the CRM database internally. With salesforce.com as our CRM, we were not interested in any solutions that included a separate/duplicate database. Our MA’s ability to “Talk” to our CRM includes the following:
  1. Web-to-lead forms – When someone fills out a form on our website, their contact information is written to our CRM system along with additional “hidden” information such as lead source, resource requested, SEO information, etc.
  2. List syncing – Any lists created in our CRM system are passed to the MA system and vice versa.
  3. Record updates are synchronized within a few seconds from system to system.
  4. Record de-duping – This may not sound like a big deal, but to do it right is not trivial. Surprisingly, salesforce.com does not handle this. They require a third-party product. If the MA solution writes records to the CRM system, then making sure they don’t duplicate existing leads is a very nice feature to include.
  5. Opt-out management – Again, this sounds like a feature every MA program would have solved, but unfortunately not. If your MA product is going to be talking to a separate CRM, make sure it handles opt-out management well. Emails must include an opt-out link. Unfortunately though, many opt-out links opt the user out of everything. You don’t want good leads to opt-out of ALL of your communications and to default to that is just throwing away leads. The best solution is to offer an email preference page, where your customers/prospects can select which of your communications they would like to receive.
  6. Bounce management – Not the same as opt-out. If you continue to send emails to addresses which are hard-bouncing, you will eventually be penalized and and your email deliverability will suffer. A good MA system will track hard bounces and automatically stop sending emails to those addresses. The very best systems will flag both opt-out and bounces in your CRM system, so that you and your sales reps will know that the email address is no longer usable.
  7. Workflows/Automations – There are times when you will want to update records in your CRM based on certain activity. You may be able to automate these updates from within your CRM system. It is sometimes easier to use your MA system. For instance if you decide to increase a prospects lead score if they attended a webinar. Your MA system should enable you “add” points to the lead score of any records which meet your criteria.

Email - Every MA product that I know of provides some level of Email delivery. We use the following four types of Email marketing via our MA system.

  1. One-off email announcements or promotions – This could be a product or webinar announcement, special offer, or other email blast to our entire database or to a subset (list, group).
  2. Multi-email “campaigns” – This group would include weekly or monthly emails that are delivered in order to a segment of our database. For example a four or five week information series to the banking and finance leads in our database.
  3. Dynamic, activity based emails – We use this as a way to follow up with people who request information on a particular product or service. Typically, after requesting a recourse such as a whitepaper or case study, we will send them additional related information each week for three or four weeks.
  4. Direct sales to lead emails – This includes single, very specific emails from an individual in our company (sales, inside sales) to a lead. These are usually simple text emails (not much formatting or graphics). These emails can be sent from within the MA system or via an enterprise email system like Outlook or Lotus Notes. The MA system tracks these emails and any action on these emails.

Lead Scoring - The next phase of MA for us was Lead scoring. Once we had our website talking to our CRM via our MA system and we were communicating with our prospects on a regular basis, we then implemented lead scoring. Most MA systems these days provide built-in administrative functionality where you simply set relative weighted values to specific actions. These values are tallied and written into the lead record where it can be used to measure and prioritize your leads. For instance if a lead opens an email they get 1 point, if they visit multiple pages on your website in a single session, they get 10 points. If they download a whitepaper, they receive 25 points. You get the picture. This is a very valuable tool in providing visibility into the interest level of your prospects.

Usability – This is a broad topic, but frankly was the primary reason we decided to evaluate competitive products to our old MA system. Even though our previous system could do a lot of what we needed, many features required multiple steps and work-arounds. Some of our biggest frustrations were the following:

  1. Editing an existing workflow email – If we wanted to edit an email that was part of a dynamic email campaign or workflow, we had to first pause the workflow, then copy/clone the email, make the desired changes, edit the workflow and update the old email name with the new, then restart the workflow. With our new system, we open the email, make the change and save. THAT is the way it SHOULD work.
  2. Folders, filtering or tagging (ie organization) – If you use an MA system, it won’t be long before you have dozens if not hundreds of emails, forms, landing pages, etc. If the MA system doesn’t provide a good management interface, you will quickly get frustrated searching for and managing all of your resources. An MA system should provide folders (like outlook) or tags for all of their list views.

Reporting - A customizable reporting system becomes more important the longer you use the MA system. If usability was the top reason we started evaluating alternate MA vendors, Reporting was the second reason. At an absolute minimum, you need to know how your email campaigns are performing, but more and more of the MA vendors are now providing traffic reports that supplement google analytics.

Product Integration - Your MA product can be integrated with quite a few other products. In addition to automating outbound communications, your MA product can potentially be integrated with a dozen or more programs to aid in the creation of new leads or the nurturing of existing. Via direct connectors in our MA system, Below are the products we currently have integrated with our MA solution.
  1. WebEx – This was a big deal for us. Previously, when a new prospect would click the webinar button on our site, they would be redirected to the webex site to complete the registration. Their name was then stored on the webex site until after the completion of the webinar. At which time, we would upload the list of registrants into our CRM and tag them as registrants or attendees. If your MA system is integrated with your webinar system, you have more control over the registration process, the look and feel, and more importantly, the registrants are immediately entered through your MA systems into your CRM system, so that you can begin marketing to them before the webinar even begins.
  2. Outlook – Or other mail client. In addition to bulk marketing email campaigns, we want to track communications from individuals. With the outlook connector, our MA tracks all of these emails as well. We know who opens, clicks through all of our emails.
  3. Google Adwords and Analytics – By connecting our Google accounts with the MA system, we are able to see relevant analytics, SEO and PPC information within each lead or contact record.

There you have it. The features above represent the functionality we we use in our Marketing Automation software. Please leave comments and let me know how you use yours. I’m sure there are things we could be doing better. MA is constantly evolving and for better or worse it is here to stay.

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In-House Video Production

by ugadoug on January 23, 2012

in Marketing Technology

There are literally hundreds of articles discussing the benefits of using video in your marketing programs today. I agree 100%. A video is a powerful ally to almost every other form of marketing – web pages, blogs, emails, your trade show booth, even direct mail. In this article, I’ll describe in detail how we set up an in-house studio and now produce videos at OpenSpan. To see the quality of our videos visit the OpenSpan YouTube Channel. (Note: We did not create the “What is OpenSpan?” animation or the “Call Center Agents” video in-house. )

So why isn’t everyone doing it?

Video production is like web development was a decade ago. The number of people who know how to produce and edit high quality video is relatively small. Whereas practically every company has at least one full time web developer on staff, very few have employees with experience in video production or editing. A good video, even a short 60 second video, requires a completely new hardware, software and skillsets. BUT,  it can be done in-house, with a little time and effort. The end product will not be as good as a video production company. They study for years to perfect their art, and it is an art. But you can create video on your own that is good enough (it will not embarrass you, your brand or your company) and you will get better with every one you create. And by the way, we use professional video services for some of our projects, the really tough ones.

Minimum Resources

Even though the solution I’m going to describe is very affordable, it will require someone to take ownership and manage the projects. This could be a marketing manager, web developer, or graphics designer – preferably someone who is fairly comfortable learning new software. Any and all photography knowledge will be a plus, but is not essential.

Studio Equipment

When I was selecting our video equipment, I searched the internet for someone who would give me a laundry list of items, even if they were not the best. I never found that list. I will give you my list here. All of these items are standard and easy to find. You will be able to create high quality videos for use on your website, YouTube, etc. When you decide you want to upgrade, you can eBay this equipment and probably get 50% of your investment back. Photography and Video equipment holds it value well. The only item you may have some difficulty matching exactly will be the video camera. New models are released regularly. That’s OK, just get one with similar features and you will be fine.

Video CameraPanasonic HDC-TM700 32GB HD/SD – This is a “prosumer” model HD video camera. We paid about $800 for this camera. I looked for a few specific features that my last camera didn’t have:

  • A built in microphone jack – it is just an 1/8″ jack that looks exactly like a headphone jack, except it is for a corded lapel microphone.
  • An SD memory card slot – this makes it very easy to shoot a quick video. Pop the SD card out, put it in the computer, and start editing.
  • A view finder in addition to an LCD screen – this is kind of a personal preference, but sometimes I like using the view finder.
  • AC adaptor – I think most video cameras these days offer ac power in addition to battery.

Lapel MicrophoneAudio-Technica ATR-3350 Lavalier Omnidirectional Condenser Microphone – $25. I recommend getting a couple of extra and extra batteries (the cords are easily stepped on, stretched and broken) and the batteries go quickly.

TripodBescor TH-770 video tripod – $220. Most studio tripods from a quality  manufacturer tripod will do. You do not have to spend $400-$500 on a tripod. It’s going to be holding a one-pound video camera inside a building. It won’t have to withstand wind, rain, or unstable ground. One of the most important things to consider is the head. You want to be able to move the camera smoothly and for that you need a good quality tripod head.

Lights – For the primary lighting we went with the Lowel Rifa Big Triple Soft Kit (LC-9568). About $2,000. For most projects, these are the only lights you will need. The kit includes (1) the main light, called the soft key (“soft” because it has a diffuser that covers the front and softens the light; “key” because it is the main light for the subject ), (2) the secondary or “fill” light (it is a little smaller than the key and it’s purpose is to prevent harsh shadows that would appear if you only had one light in front, and (3) the back light (this goes above and behind the subject to prevent dark shadows behind and to provide a nice light on the hair and shoulders.

To save a little money you can go with Lowell’s Small Triple LC-9456 system, or a two light system. In fact if your space isn’t deep enough, you may not have room for the back light anyway. We’ll talk more about that later. These lights hold their value well and you can eBay them at any time for 60-70% of your cost.

Green Screen and Lighting – If you don’t plan to do any green screen work, skip this. You can always add it later. I selected the Westcott Video Lighting Kit – It runs about $250 bucks and includes the lights and green screen. It has been working great.

Total Cost for Studio Equipment – $3,293.85

Camera – $829, Lowell lights – $2,059, 3 lapel mics – $68.85, Tripod $148, Green screen – $189

 Computer and Software

Now that you can create the video, you will need software to “produce” the final video for use on your web, YouTube, or other video hosting service. If you have a recent MacBook pro then you are good to go. I tried several Windows 7 laptops from several manufacturers and they simply didn’t have the muscle. So here is what I got.

Laptop – A loaded 15″ MacBook Pro – $2,699. I got 2.66 GHz Intel Core i7 processor, 8GB memory, 500GB HD

SoftwareAdobe Final Cut Pro - $299. This is the de facto standard in video editing and production. There is a chance you will need to get a contractor to help you produce the first several videos. But once you learn the basics, you should be able to crank out videos on your own until you decide to try something new. Then you bring your contractor back in to show you how.

So if you don’t have a computer that can do the job you new total investment is $6,291.85. About 30% of what you will pay a video production company to create one video from beginning to end.

Other Resources

Lynda.com – they have thousands of training videos on hundreds of software titles. I highly recommend it.

YouTube – it is staggering how many great training videos are available on YouTube. Just search for your question and you’ll likely find a dozen or more 5-10 minutes videos showing you exactly what you want to see.

Your local College – In Atlanta we have the Art Institute of Atlanta which offers degrees in every major Art discipline including Digital Video and Editing. They also have a top-notch administrative staff and career placement program. I have worked with them for a couple of years now. The students there are the best of their generation. Even if you don’t have an Art College nearby, I can guarantee you your local college or university has students who have strong video production and editing skills and would love to help you learn.

Photos of our Studio

Below are some photos of our in-house studio. It is not quite as wide as I would like, but it works well. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of have a place that you can keep set up permanently. If you have to set up the equipment every time you want to create a video, you simply won’t do it. It takes several hours to get the camera, lighting and props set up. When we want to create a short video, we go in the room, turn on the lights and start shooting.

Video Studio

View from the Video Camera forward

 

Video Studio talent perspective

View from the backdrop towards the camera

Video Studio behind the camera

Video Studio behind the camera perspective

Video Studio back light

Close-up of the overhead back light

 

Lowell light case

Lowell Big Triple light case

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Scoot your Butt Up – Texters and Stupid People

by ugadoug on January 13, 2012

in Peeves

I know. I know. I’ve heard all the arguments about why you should leave adequate space between your vehicle and the one in front of you when you come to a stop. Believe me, I understand. When you stop at a light it makes sense to leave room in front of you so that if the vehicle behind you isn’t paying attention and causes a rear-end collision, it doesn’t cause a chain reaction ultimately pushing you into the vehicle in front. See, I DO understand the rationale. There is also the argument that if you leave extra space and you notice the vehicle behind you isn’t going to stop in time, you may be able to quickly accelerate and move forward, or to your left or right and prevent getting rear-ended in the first place. This is also a valid reason to leave extra room when you stop, especially if you are on a motorcycle.

BUT…

That is not what I’m talking about

I’m referring to the cars that have two car lengths of empty space AFTER all the cars behind tem have come to a stop. When they have been stopped for fifteen or twenty seconds and there are a dozen vehicles behind them ALL STOPPED TOO, then it’s time close the gap. QUIT TEXTING, PICKING YOUR NOSE, DAY-DREAMING or WHATEVER, and pull up. Many of the lights in Atlanta don’t provide enough time to move an adequate number of vehicles through the intersection in certain directions. Some may only allow 4-5 through at a time (especially left turn signals). When one or two cars at a light leave space for an 18-wheeler front of them, then only 2-3 cars get through. And the people in the cars behind the guilty party all want to punch you in the nose.

THAT is the scenario I’m griping about.

After studying this phenomenon over dozens of commutes over the last month, I have discovered something. It is NOT just stupid people leaving space any more. The TEXTING crowd has joined them. That is why the number of gaps across Atlanta have quadrupled in the last year. Look around and tell me if you see the same thing. Three of every four cars behind the big gaps are staring down at their laps. But texting and driving is illegal now in Georgia you say. Yeah. And your point is?

I actually feel better now that I have made this possible revelation. I was beginning to think we had some kind of “Invasion of the Stupid Snatchers” going on.

I don’t know how we’re going to solve this one. Texting (or reading emails, or picking a new playlist, or [fill in the blank]) while “parking” is here to stay. And if you must text while you are in the car then for God’s sake do it at a light and NOT while driving. I would ask that if you are one of the culprits, please look up from your texting every few seconds to see if you can Scoot your butt up.

 

One possible solution for keeping your eyes on the car in front of you while texting

I know that some of you are thinking what is he getting SO worked up about. I realize that I could channel this energy into many more worthy endeavors  - volunteer work at the red cross, local politics, Jaycees, Kiwanis, or the PTA. But I can’t help it. I just have to gripe when I see things like this. This blog is kind-of therapeutic for me. I feel better just typing it out. Even if no one reads it.

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Tebowing, Weinering and other New Words

by ugadoug on December 14, 2011

in Life

On December 12, 2011 the Global Language Monitor (GLM) announced that Tebowing is now an official word of the English language. GLM is a media analytics company that documents, analyzes and tracks cultural trends  trends in language the world over, with a particular emphasis upon Global English. While I appreciate the need to add new words to our language, I am disappointed that GLM has overlooked so many other “Obvious” words. I have documented some of them below, but I ask you to please submit others that I have forgotten and I’ll add them to this list.

Tebowing (Tim Tebow)

Tebowing – the act of  ’taking a knee’  in prayerful reflection in the midst of an athletic activity.

tebowing

Denver Brocos Quarterback Tim Tebow demonstrating Tebowing in a recent NFL game.

Weinering (Anthony Weiner)

Weinering – the art of photographing ones self in front of a mirror (or by simply holding a camera in an outstretched arm) and then pushing said photo out over the Internet via one or more social sharing tools such as facebook, twitter, SMS or MMS. Of all the words on this list, Weinering, has the best audible relation to the act it self. “Weinering.” What a word! Weinering was launched into the English lexicon in June 2011 when then New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner, was forced to resign due to Weinering (See, it is a perfect word).

A future politician planting the seeds of a PR nightmare

Cruising (Tom Cruise)

Cruising – the act of jumping up and down on a couch, bed or other piece of furniture while laughing or giggling like a small child. If you are a child, it’s not really called cruising, it’s called playing. One must have reached the age where, when cruising, everyone in the immediate vicinity gets “a little scared.” In case you somehow missed the Oprah Cruising clip.

tom cruise on oprah

The first incident of Cruising on the Oprah show in May 23, 2005

cruising

Three children who are the correct age to be Cruising.

Lohaning (Lindsay Lohan)

Lohaning – the art of visiting a local correctional institute, detention center or jail once every thirty days.

Lindsay Lohan perfecting the art of lohaning.

lindsey lohan

A faithful Lohaning desciple. Her third visit in 90 days - right on schedule.

Sheening (Charlie Sheen)

Sheening – the art of “dating” struggling actors or actresses, and then opening your home to them so that they can assist you in raising your children. And then help you spend 1-2 million dollars per month, start an internet video blog, go on a 12 city road show where you stand on stage and get boo’d by thousands of people who used to think you were cool, but who now know that all the drugs you have done have completely destroyed the majority of your brain cells.

A young man starting his new life of sheening

charlie sheen

The founder of Sheening preaching his "winning" words

Cyrusing (Miley Cyrus)

Cyrusing – the art of doing something you shouldn’t be doing, next to someone who doesn’t care anything about you, who has a camera phone (which is everyone these days) and knows how to upload videos to YouTube. Of all the new words in this list, Cyrusing is without a doubt the most universally practiced. Fortunately for most people, they practiced most of their Cyrusing before smartphones and Internet.

miley cyrus salvia bong

The origin of Cyrusing

miley cyrus

A great example of Cyrising by an unknown

These are just a few of the many new words introduced into our language over the last year. Please submit any others that are not above and I’ll add them to the list. Feel free to share this link to all your friends. I’ll like to see how big we can grow this list.

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Post image for God does have a sense of humor

God does have a sense of humor

by ugadoug on December 10, 2011

in Life

Look closely at the gas gauge needle. See anything unusual? Click the Image to enlarge it and get a better view. Notice the needle is BELOW the stop peg. The needle does not move at all – when the take is full, empty, when you start the engine, turn it off – nothing. If anyone has any clever ideas on how this might have happened, or even better, how to fix it, please let me know. Put all the details in a comment below.

gas gauge issues

Click to Enlarge the Image

The Real Problem

At the core of my nature is solving problems. I like to solve puzzles. Thing is, when I can’t figure something out it bugs me until I do. Sometimes I can’t concentrate on anything else when I have a problem on my mind. So imagine how my morning and afternoon commutes go these days with THIS little puzzle 24 inches in front of my face. I think I could have figured out a solution to Atlanta traffic, in the amount of time I’ve spent pondering this little mystery. So, please help me. Thanks.

 

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Post image for 40 ways how to right more better

40 ways how to right more better

by ugadoug on December 5, 2011

in Marketing Technology

Disclaimer: Several years ago, before blogs, I received a fax containing some of the following writing tips. I found others here and there and added them to the list. I recently found the list in my file cabinet and decided re-share it. I have no idea who the original author is. If you know, please email me or leave it in the comment section and I will be sure to give proper credit. I don’t think you will find any of these in Strunk & White. But, if you will incorporate just a few of these little gems into your writing, you will be a much better writer.

On to the list…

  1. Avoid cliches like the plague
  2. Comparisons are even worse cliches.
  3. Don’t never use double negatives.
  4. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  5. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
  6. Be more or less specific.
  7. “Avoid overusing ‘quotation “marks.”‘”
  8. begin each sentence with a capital letter and end each with punctuation
  9. Also too, never, ever, ever be redundantly repetitive
  10. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
  11. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
  12. Avoid commas, that are not necessary
  13. Bee careful two use the write homonym.
  14. Correct speling is esential.
  15. Do not put statements in the negative form.
  16. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  17. No sentence fragments.
  18. One word sentences? Eliminate!
  19. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  20. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  22. Do not use one verb tense in one part of a sentence, and then have switched to a different tense in the next.
  23. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
  24. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
  25. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
  26. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
  27. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  28. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
  29. When dangling, watch your participles.
  30. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  31. Usually, you should be more or less specific.
  32. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  33. Run on sentences cause all sorts of problems for readers and people should never use them and must try to write better and divide their sentences.
  34. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
  35. Try to not ever split infinitives.
  36. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
  37. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
  38. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just where two-words are related.
  39. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  40. Verbs has to agree with their subjects

If you know of others, please add them in the comments below

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Post image for For those who don’t have enough time

For those who don’t have enough time

by ugadoug on December 2, 2011

in Life

A friend sent me this pic today and it made me think of so many things. Which of the two houses below do you relate to?

The lights say it all

 

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Post image for CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

by ugadoug on December 1, 2011

in Peeves

I wanted to take a minute and write this post while sitting here TRYING to do some work at the local Starbucks. I say “trying”, because there are three men sitting at one of the tables talking so loudly they are completely drowning out the 80 decibel milk steamer AND Bob Dylan’s greatest hits which is playing at an “11″ over the ceiling speakers. The barista is having to lean towards the steamer wand to see if it is working since he can’t hear anything either.

Usually the annoying loudmouth du jour is someone talking on a cell phone, but today it’s these three guys. Now this puzzles me a little, because I had always thought that social ignorance affected a relatively small percentage of the population – five or ten percent. I also think that volume-challenged individuals are usually loners, social outcasts of sorts, the people no one else really wants to hang around, especially in public. I have a few of these people in my contact list like everyone, but I don’t like going out in public with them, because then everyone stares at me TOO. But here were three men in there late 20′s, early 30′s all yelling at each other across one of those 24″ high tops. Maybe (I just thought of this) they are demolition engineers grabbing a cup of joe before heading over to blow up something. It is possible they all have permanent hearing loss from all the explosions. If they were speaking English that might provide a clue as to what they were so excited about. I’m not sure what language they were speaking, it was one of those that only has one or two vowels in the entire alphabet.

Side Note: The new suri app on the iphone 4s is pretty cool. Natural language processing has really come a long way since the days when you had to train the engine by reading 40-50 pages of Edgar Allen Poe into the speaker so it could learn how you said particular words. And even after you trained the software, you still…..had……to……speak…..slowly…..and…..leave…..a…..
gap…..between…..each……word. Not fun. Back to my side note. I wonder how long it will be before we will have software on our iphones that will “listen” to conversations around us and translate them into English? The technology is getting there. If 24 were still on [hanky to the eyes] Jack Bauer would probably have something like this to eavesdrop on terrorists. Back to the story…

Are you one?

My goal here is to possibly break through to some people who may have this friend-limiting affliction. There is an easy way to tell. When you are out in public, do you notice that lots of people around you look at you repeatedly? Although it’s possible that you are attractive too, it is much more likely that you are experiencing non-verbal communication. You may think that a stare is a stare, but you would be wrong. Repeated stares, especially from people who are NOT smiling and likely have furrowed brows mean, “You are doing something I don’t like!” In this case, “Shut your mouth a little.” No one in a 1,000 foot radius (which is the distance your voice is carrying) cares about anything you are saying.

I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but think about it. You obviously don’t care what anyone else is saying, otherwise you wouldn’t be sharing your thoughts with the world. You couldn’t hear them even if you did. So doesn’t it make sense that we aren’t interested in your conversation either? You are not important. You are not interesting. We (all of us) don’t care what you have to say. So, start talking at a normal volume, and eliminate all of those ugly stares.

Ahh. They are leaving. I look around and see 25 strangers smiling in unison.

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Post image for 20 Tips from a DIY Home Repairman

20 Tips from a DIY Home Repairman

by ugadoug on November 19, 2011

in Life

My philosophy regarding home repair is simple. Go ahead and try to fix it. If it works then you’ve saved some money and learned something. If it doesn’t you can always call someone to come and fix it. This philosophy has served me well for many years, and there have only be a few times when I have had to call in reinforcements. Over the years I have come up with several rules which I will pass along to my sons (and anyone else reading).

  1. Always dig the hole twice as big as you think you need it. And it still won’t be big enough.
  2. Measure twice cut once.
  3. If the toilet is clogged, go have a talk with your youngest son and find out which part of one of your daughter’s toys he recently flushed.
  4. Always turn off the electric breakers of the outlets you will be working on. Although 120 volts (and 20 amps) won’t usually kill you it will make you shake your arm wildly for a minute while making a sound kind of like Umbuhuhuhuhuhuhmb-uh-uh-uh-buh. And I’ve heard repeated shocks can cause short term memory loss.
  5. Always turn off the electric breakers of the outlets you will be working on. Although 120 volts (and 20 amps) won’t usually kill you it will make you shake your arm wildly for a minute while making a sound resembling Umbuhuhuhuhuhuhmb-uh-uh-uh-buh. And I’ve heard repeated shocks can cause short term memory loss.
  6. Whatever size of whatever thing you need at the hardware store, buy it. And then buy the shorter ones, longer ones, thicker ones and thinner ones. Then take back the four that you don’t use.
  7. Warranties are generally a waste of money. Items will last two-three months longer than any warranties you purchase.
  8. If you own something for more than a year, forget about buying any parts at home depot. Their canned response is “just buy a new one.”
  9. Paint is darker on the walls that it is in the can.
  10. For every 10 screws, bolts, and nuts that are included with an item, you will have one left over after assembly. Don’t worry about it though. 90% of the parts will hold it together longer than the rest of the item will last anyway.
  11. Buy the best tools you can afford. They work better, last longer, and do a better job.
  12. Go ahead and buy battery operated tools, but keep your corded ones too, because most jobs cannot be completed on a single battery charge.
  13. Let your kids watch and/or help. They learn some “stuff from the old man”; the old man learns a little patience, answering all the inevitable questions; and more often than not, they will provide valuable observations. Kids see things from a completely different perspective. They haven’t developed years of assumptions that limit creativity. And for one final reason, it’s good one-on-one time. Note: if you do invite your kid(s) to join the fun, don’t be in a hurry to finish the project. Take your time. Enjoy the bonding. If you are in a hurry, their questions will bother you and that will defeat the whole goal.
  14. When your kids are working with you remember your one syllable expletives – Shmmm! Daahhhnnnnn! Ummmmmm! and Guhhhhhhhhhh! are some of my favorites.
  15. You all know about WD-40 and Duct Tape. Add two more to the list, Gorilla Glue and coat hangers. With those four things, you can fix 90% of what breaks in a house.
  16. One toilet repair equals three dog poop clean-ups. I have a more extensive “Equivalents” table, but we’ll save that for another post.
  17. Answer: Wrought Iron. Question: which one of these materials can a border collie NOT eat through?
    • wood
    • sheet rock
    • hot tub top
    • wrought iron
    • house siding
    • aluminum door
    • picket fence
    • carpet
  18. Painting a room is a great form of therapy. It’s one of the few things you can start and finish in a few hours. And the end result, even if you selected the wrong color, looks better than before.
  19. A 3,600 PSI pressure washer is required to clean the second story of a house from the ground. A 3,000 PSI is great for driveways, mobile home siding and decks, but for carving a lightning bolt scar into a bare foot, you dont need any more than 2,600 PSI.
  20. Finally, here are a few things I have worked on at one time or another and recommend you consult your local yellow pages. Roof shingles – The Navajo Indians didn’t remove as much skin as you will repairing one square yard of shingles. Leave it to the pros. Stairs – My first thought was “What can be so hard about a few 45 degree cuts?” I still don’t know what’s so hard about it. I do know that my few hour project to cut three stair risers turned into a weekend project, and I consulted Lauren’s geometry text books at least five times. Tree limbs – feel free to rent the extension chain saw from Lowes or the depot, but as soon as you are tempted to get your ladder out, listen very carefully to that quiet inner voice. Gasoline powered rotating razors and ladders do NOT go together. Finally, any project that requires you to remove the safety panel from the back of your main circuit box.

That’s all. Feel free to tackle anything else that comes your way. If you are not sure how to start, just do a quick google search. You will almost certainly find a few videos on YouTube that will get you started. If you succeed, you will have saved a few bucks and developed a new skill. If you don’t succeed, you might have something to send in to America’s Funniest Home Videos.

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This animated video was a recent project at OpenSpan. We wrote and directed the video in-house. We used independent contractors to create the animation and the voice over. Let me know how it works on your machine. I think animation is probably the best medium for communicating many technical ideas, especially concepts that can get a little boring. Animations take us all back to Saturday morning cartoons – Bugs Bunny and the Road Runner, Scooby Doo, and others.

I’m really interested in how the video performs on your machine. Did it play? How long did it take to start? Did it get stuck or pause during playback? Things like that.

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